DISCLAIMER : All characters belong to their respective owners. This is only a product of my sick

and twisted imagination *^_~ However, this ficcie belongs to ME!

WARNING : This contains YAOI content, so if you start puking at the idea of two boys screwing

or snogging, just take the barf bag and leave.

AMONG OTHER THINGS : Angst. Large doses of it. But no death. Yatta!! * throws confetti *

Colorblind, a sweet ballad, is by the Counting Crows.

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~ a Gwing songficcie by Aquarii a.k.a. Janice

[I am colorblind

Coffee black and egg white

Pull me out from inside

I am ready

I am ready

I am ready… I am…]

He held a .33 to his head.

Calmly, he cocked the gun, but seemed hesitant about releasing fire.

Then he slowly shifted the weapon and pointed it at me. With a somehow sympathetic, yet sadistic smile on his face, he whispered, ' Bang. And you're dead.'

With that, he pressed the trigger.

* * * * *

Startled, Duo jumped as he heard the gunshot. Heero !! Dropping the book he had been flipping through, he ran to the source of the sound.

He sprinted to the bathroom and found Heero standing in front of the mirror. Or rather what was left of it.

There was a hole exactly in the middle, delicate cracks spread from it, decorating the mirror with spider web-like patterns.

There were broken shards of glass on the tiled floor, scattered at his feet. A pistol was still aimed at the wall that held remains of the mirror.

The remaining piece of cracked glass reflected Heero's expression. There was an odd sort of smile on his face. But the eyes… they were dead. There was no emotion at all.

And it showed Duo's face at the door, pale with worry and fear.

[Toffee stuck and tongue tied

Stutter shuck and uptight

Pull me out from inside

I am ready

I am ready

I am ready

I am ready… I am fine]

I slowly lowered my gun, and stated calmly to my partner, ' Don’t try to stop me.'

Duo didn't reply. Tears trickled down his cheeks as he made his way to me. I lowered my eyes. I hated to see Duo crying. He was stepping on the broken glass. Dark crimson liquid painted the off-white tiles as the sharp pieces cut his feet.

Soundlessly, he wrapped his arms around my waist, pressing his head against the back of my shoulder. I could feel warm moisture seeping through my shirt, heating my cold skin.

For a long time, we said nothing. He kept holding me, rocking me ever so gently, side to side.

Finally, he looked up and whispered, ' Why?'

* * * * *

There are these times in life, where you feel nothing at all. Just this hollow ache in your heart, a sort of unappeasable hunger. At first, you will convince yourself, it's alright, everyone goes through this.

But sooner or later, you will realize that it doesn't go away by itself.

It eats away your heart, your soul. Till you're just an empty shell.

[I am colored skin

No one gets to come in

Pull me out from inside

I am folding

And unfolding

And unfolding

I am colorblind]

Some people, they find something- or someone, that can take the pain away. Those are the fortunate ones. They have found the key to free all the emptiness, to fill all the voids.

Some just give up finding for that something and take the easy way out. Like me.

Suicide.

I know it's cowardice. Duo used to tell me, that self-inflicted death would take one to hell.

Where no sins are ever forgiven.

Ever.

But I have gotten so tired of life. There is nothing to live for any more.

The war is already over. I am needed no longer.

My absence would go unnoticed. No one would ever remember me.

Yet something still holds me back, making me reluctant to go.

Because…

* * * * *

' Why?'

I sucked in my breath. I had expected this question. But…

Duo seemed to sense my doubt. He tightened his embrace. The warm wetness of his tears on my shoulder seemed to have spread to my entire back. ' Is because of me?'

I bit my lower lip, all emotions flowing back, warming me from inside. I choked back a sob that somehow found its way to my throat, ' … no,' I loosened my grip on the gun, ' it was never about you.'

He whispered back, ' What is it about then?'

' You won't understand,' I hung my head, ' you never will.'

There was a long silence. Duo finally let go of me and gently reached out for the gun. Confused, I let the weapon slip from my hands. Quietly, he cocked it and aimed it at me.

A tear rolled down his cheek. ' Then let me do it.'

* * * * *

* * * * *

'… Duo,' I stared back at those glistening eyes,' you won't ever regret killing me, will you?'

His gaze never wavering, he replied briefly,' I won't.' …because this is what you want.

And I realized he was going to hell for me.

And I realized how much he did care.

And I realized what I really couldn't let go.

Duo.

[Coffee black and egg white

Pull me out from inside

I am ready

I am ready

I am ready… I am fine

I am fine]

I pulled the .33 from his grasp and dropped it on the floor. I held him tight, feeling the comforting warmth of his body against mine. He began to cry all over again, but I could feel his lips in the shape of a smile pressed on my neck.

And I realized I found that something that would take away all the emptiness.

[I am fine]

It was the love that Duo had for me. And the love I kept hidden in my heart… for him.

sappy, ne? I dunno… I just had to write this. Most of the more personal feelings are from personal experience. If you wanna do the hara-kiri thing, seek help, quick!! Btw, worrying's a sin too!! * starts singing * don't worry… be hap~py…

Copyright © Aquarii a.k.a Janice 1999