[Lying in your arms, so close together
Didn't know just what I had]
*...violet eyes gleam, a smiling mouth kisses the warm lips beneath cool eyes...*

I never knew what we had. I never knew that the Perfect Soldier could have feelings other than coldness towards another. I never knew that the Perfect Soldier could *have* feelings.

I guess I always assumed that what we had was merely physical.

God.

As if there was ever anything *merely* about us.

You were always a mystery to me. I never understood how you could keep that mask on at all times. You only ever dropped... no. You never *did* drop the act, did you? I only caught glimpses of your real feelings when we were alone together.

I never expected to fall for you. I never *wanted* to.

I guess that was why I reacted as I did.

The five of us walk with Death. You most of all. So you should've understood why...

And in this era of war, I've seen how the survivor suffers as they discover just how truly alone they are in the world...

You've seen this too. You've *caused* this too.

...

That isn't fair. You were only doing what you thought was right. We all were.

The point is that you should've known that soldiers in the war can't afford weaknesses. And you were one. All of us have been captured at one point or another, and each time...

Each time I nearly went insane trying to hide my feelings... having the *actual* feelings, when I thought it was you.

And when it was...

And when it is...

That's why I left. Even when I thought I understood the boundaries of our relationship, it took all that I had to control myself whenever you were in danger, as you often were. We are soldiers in the war.

That's all we could've been.

That's all we can be for now.

But when the war is over...

I saw you hoping to be someone else, someone other than the bringer of Death. As you finished each mission, I saw how you struggled to keep the usually seamless mask on your face. And you very nearly succeeded. The others never knew, never even suspected.

But I did.

Every night as we lay in bed together, I saw.

I saw because of how I felt about you, unsure of that as I was.

I saw because I went through that too.

I still do.

Maybe that was part of the reason I left. Seeing you go through the same things I do... It hurt. It hurt because since I cared, I had to feel the pain twice. Once for you, and once for me. I couldn't take it.

Not even the Perfect Soldier could be that strong.

And we were far from perfect.

If I had known from the start of your emotions...

I might've been.

But I wasn't.

And that was why...

That was why...

I think I never really knew how I felt about you. You were someone who confused me, someone who intrigued me. Someone who was my opposite, yet still remained the same as me.

Hn.

Even after all this time, I'm still not entirely sure.

Is it any wonder that I was so bewildered back then?

But even then... I always knew.

In the back of my mind, there was always a part that knew, but the rest of me... the part that was in charge, it thought that I could remain unaffected by you.

It thought that I could let you go.

But I couldn't.

I still can't.

Now I struggle with myself. Should I go and look for you?

Or should I wait until the war is over?

But by then it might be too late.

It might be too late now.

Would you listen to me? Would you understand?

...

Would you still care?

Or has she finally caught you?

I remember her. You always did have a soft spot for her. You once told me that she reminded you of me sometimes... The way I get so intense in my fight for the colonies...

Back then, I wondered if it wasn't the other way around. Was it that *I* reminded you of *her*?

I still wonder.

I wondered if that was the only reason you were with me, because she was the enemy...

Well, sometimes anyway.

Through the manic haze that overtook me, I never quite believed you when you said... what you said.

And maybe that's another reason I let go.

I left you before you could leave me.

God.

I thought that I couldn't handle it if you had left me for *her*.

Now I know that I could've.

Nothing could hurt me more than I do right now.

But still...

Stay... or go. I still don't know.

Should I look for you, or wait for fate to throw you my way?

But... if I ever find you again, this time I know.

I'll say the words you said to me once before...

But it won't be just words...

Because I think... no. I *know* I do, even if I never said it...

I love you, Heero.

Go to the next part: Never Ever
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