O
negai dare ka itte@)
~~>>~~ * ~~<<~~(@I think I’m starting to hate the morning.
I know I hate waking up to it.
I hate the way the sun shines in my eyes that no matter where I am or how I move it always finds a way to wake me up with its annoying, insidious brightness...
Even if I’m holed up in the darkest of places... somehow, a light will always be there to jolt me out of my restful, peaceful, quiet slumber... I hate it. I really do.
And I hate the fact that as soon as the morning comes, everybody expects me to act all bright-eyed and happy, always smiling, always together, never able to just scream and cry and yell at the unfairness of it all...
Sometimes, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up because then I won’t have to be strong, be a leader, be responsible, be the one who’ll always have a plan, be anything at all...
I don’t want to wake up today... Not today, not with last night, not with everything... I can’t... Please, never let me wake up today...
I’m starting to hate everything about the morning, everything it symbolizes, the silent, invisible shackles that chain me to my post...
They’re there.
Invisible, but there.
Which really make them all the more binding, because much as I hate it, *I’m* the one who chose to tie myself down... *I’m* the one who chose to abandon my past, to try and save the future...
Some future.
Times like these, I really think I’ve lost my mind. Why else would I fight? I didn’t have to, I never had to, nobody expected me to, nobody *wanted* me to.
But to prove myself, I did. I still do.
And yet... nobody wanted me to... One person never wanted me to, and yet I’m still doing it...
Now that he’s gone, I should honor his memory, honor his wishes, by not fighting anymore, by stopping what he doesn’t want me to do...
Gomen nasai, otou-san...
But I still will.
Gomen.
@)
~~>>~~ * ~~<<~~(@
@)
Damn machine, damn professor, damn m --
Damn. I can’t even curse them in my mind. No, not them.
They’re the ones who have this almost child-like, unwavering faith in me.
I hate that as well.
Why do you think I know what to do? Why do you follow? Why do you depend on me? Why do you protect someone as worthless as me? Someone who till the end never followed his father’s wishes... Someone who really doesn’t care anymore...
Why *me*?
@)
~~>>~~ * ~~<<~~(@Feelings change, they always do.
I used to be so blasé, so nonchalant, so... uncaring.
Then I felt needed, so I became responsible, mature, a fighter, a tactician, a friend... anything they wanted me to be, anything they needed me to be, anything *I* needed myself to be...
Now... now, though... my feelings have changed again...
Mercurial in nature, though I never show it...
Everything that’s happened last night, I won’t ever forget it. I’ll never let *them* forget.
I think... no. I do.
I hate mornings.
Don’t you?
@)
~~>>~~ * ~~<<~~(@
I’m sorry about what I did to him. ^^;; I just wondered what he thought of the day after... Admittedly, this is one screwed up perspective. I think that while he might have been slightly unhinged{what an understatement ^^;;}, it was only temporary, and not the slow hatred that bubbled up here. ^^;; This is *so* screwed up. ^^;;
[1]
"Positive" - Satou Junko
Duo: {smirks}I’m not the only one who’s f*cked up here...